At no certain, defined moment in my life did my parents go from just my parents to people. When you are a child, who your parents are as people seems like an unimportant issue. You know they are "good", they love you and take care of you. As an adult, I see my parents as people. People with hopes and dreams. People with lives, juggling a million hats at once. Parent, worker, friend, child, sibling, bill payer, dog walker, maid, dry cleaner, contractor, sport star, landscaper, baker, seamstress, teacher, cook... the list can go on forever. At a certain point, you see all your parent's faults, their mistakes and their downfalls as people. And you choose to love them anyways. I consider my parents now to be good friends who offer advice during my trials and tribulations as an adult. As a child, I saw them as bossy creatures that loved us dearly, but made me clean my room and deterred me from hitting my whiny brat of a brother (little punk deserved it... I think). You never think about how your words or behavior (teenage tantrums, anyone?) affect your parents. In truth,children are selfish within their innocence of the world.
Even a year ago, I still maintained a certain level of that selfishness. Sure, I empathized with my parents about life when I could and sympathized with them when I couldn't. I did care about their lives and the turmoil within it. But nothing took over the one essential aspect of my life: how did it affect me. Where was I going in life. What are my problems? Me, me, me, I, I, I. Like I said, selfish. Nothing like having a baby to slap you with a reality check! Now, I see my parents in a whole new light. A light that was only possible by having a child of my own. And while I hope she maintains a level of selfishness within her innocence for a very long time, I also know that one day, she will look to me as a person and not just "mom".
Sometimes I worry about what she will think when she does finally see me as more than a parent. It makes life decisions now clearer than ever. Admittedly, I've been haphazardly drifting through life, just going with the flow up until this point. Should I go back to school or not? Should I open my own business? Should I make an effort to live healthier? Before, my favorite answer would have been, "I don't know." It all seemed exhausting, because everything takes so much work to be successful. And to be honest, it still sounds exhausting. But what has changed is the desire to do it anyways. Because I have more than myself to think about. I have a pint-sized version of me that will live by my example. And if I want her to be successful, I'm going to have to show her how to achieve it. And unfortunately for my lazy side, the only way to show her is to do it myself, first. Because if nothing else, helping my child to be successful and happy will be the biggest success I could ever dream of as a parent.
There are more important things than success on paper though. I count my daughter's success and happiness to also include things like: acceptance of all people, dancing like a fool in the kitchen to the radio, laughing everyday, living with integrity, standing up for what's right, living with purpose and self-respect, experiencing life fearlessly, having fun when she can, being kind to everyone she meets, endlessly using her brilliant imagination, following her dreams (even the crazy ones), learning at all times and always being herself, because being herself is being magnificent. Those are things my parents taught me that I continue to value to this day. More than once I have been caught dancing like a fool in the kitchen. And it has taught me hope, love and understanding...something many people sadly live without.
Listen, I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I'm not even going to claim to enjoy the uphill journey to my own goals. But my daughter is worth it. And if she's proud of me later when she sees me as "Cristine" instead of "Mom", I know I have succeeded.
No comments:
Post a Comment